Summarised from an excellent leaflet entitled 'Easing Grief for Oneself and for Other People' by Amber Lloyd. This leaflet is available for 75p in stamps from Relaxation for Living, 29 Burwood Park Road, Walton-on-Thames, KT12 5LH (tel: 01932 227826). Relaxation for Living publishes a series of leaflets to help with relaxation and stress management. More information about these leaflets is available online at www.relaxationforliving.co.uk Amber Lloyd wrote this leaflet after the sudden and unexpected death of her husband Desmond at the age of 58.
DO face up to and accept reality. This is the hardest piece of advice to receive but it is being cruel to be kind. It has happened; no wishful thinking can alter the fact. Your darling dear half-of-yourself has died. Try to make yourself use the word; at least it is dignified. "I've lost my husband" sounds as insulting and unimportant as if he were a key you had dropped out of your purse.
DO do what you want, what you need. You are the important person at this moment. Do not let anyone, however well-intentioned, bully you. Only you can tell how strong or how weak you are. If you are very weak it does not matter; you have a right to be so.
DON'T pay one penny more for the funeral than you need unless you want to. I does not show any lack of love or respect on your part. Some people believe that deep mourning and extravagant flowers are necessary to honour the one who has died. If you agree with this, then it is right for you to request them. If you do not, do not allow anyone to tell you you must spend money on them. Expensive wreaths quickly wilt, are swept up and burnt; bunches of flowers are more worthwhile as they can be collected and sent to a hospital (your undertaker will usually arrange this) or you can bring them home with you. If it is a small child who has died, the coffin can be carried in the family car and professional pallbearers dispensed with. This seems more tender and loving. If a baby is stillborn, some denominations will not hold a funeral service; if the parents want one they will need to ask the help of a different denomination. I think and hope that this will soon be changed. (Please, give the baby a name and try to take a photograph of him. You will be glad of this in time to come.)
DON'T allow the funeral to be rushed, unless you wish it. To me there is something terrible in "Less than a week ago we were so happy and already he is buried". Take all the time you want.
DO continue living in your own home, if you possibly can and you want to, for at least a year. It may take even longer than that for you to know what you want to do or where you want to go. Don't be hurried; try to coast along and let things happen and sort themselves. Time softens and heals; things work out; you grow stronger.
DON'T blame yourself if you find yourself dwelling on his bad points. You are not being disloyal; it is a self-defence mechanism of your broken heart. Equally, you may find yourself feeling angry that you have been deserted. You are not evil to think this; it is another very common emotional defence reaction.
DO try to have no regrets. Life is cruelly full of 'if onlys'. Alright, if only you had done this or that - but you didn't. Remember- you did what you thought was right and for the best at the time, so it was tthe best that you could do. Don't torture yourself; it will not bring him back and will not help you.
DO throw yourself straight into work, if you feel able, preferably helping other people. This rests your mind.
DO remember that beauty (music, art, flowers, sun, landscape, etc) can heal, even if it brings a stab when you realise he is not able to share it. Be brave and try it.
DO take your own time over sorting his belongings. Attempt it when you feel strong enough, in a few months, but don't go on putting it off forever in case they turn into 'holy relics'.
DO make changes around the house, when you want to. This is no disrespect to his memory.
DO talk about him. This makes it very much easier for other people to talk to you. There is nothing wrong with a joke about him and it stops others feeling stiff and inhibited in your company.
DO remember there is a time to cry and a time to stop crying. My daughter asked our five year old granddaughter if she would like her to read Desmond's obituary. "Not if it is going to make you cry again, Mummy" was the answer. Other people have a right to be happy even when our hearts are breaking.
DO remember that your strength, your bravery, reflect the beauty and strength of your love and your life together.
DON'T hold back - be spontaneous. A sign that you care is an enormous comfort. Even if you fumble and stumble for words, the effort shows through.
DO go straight to the home of the bereaved person if you can. You may or may not be asked in but your gesture will be greatly appreciated. Do not be shy about doing this.
DO take a few flowers if possible; leaves or grasses from the garden or hedgerow will do. Their beauty helps to heal.
DO be brave enough to face tears. The bereaved person is suffering agonies of irreparable loss. The least you can do is suffer a few tears. Don't be ashamed if you cry too; it will only show your sympathy.
DO if you can, touch the bereaved person. This is a very basic, primitive gesture of sympathy and it helps. It can be anything from a warm hug to a hand clasp or a brief squeeze of the elbow. Do what is seemly and what is natural for you. A friend of mine phoned the day after Desmond died; when I told her what had happened she said "Oh Ducky! Imagine my arms are round you"; I found it extraordinarily comforting.
DO say something but do not try to make fancy speeches; they don't help at all. It is far better to say "There is nothing I can say" or "Words are so useless" and really mean it.
DO telephone if you are unable to visit. This gives the bereaved the chance to talk if she wants to - and she often does. In fact, lending an ear is one of the greatest kindnesses you can offer; be willing to listen patiently.
DO write if you cannot phone but say that you will not expect an answer. Don't be long-winded and pretentious; a bereaved person feels exhausted and has not the energy to wade through long screeds. Short and spontaneous is what is appreciated.
DO realise that someone newly bereaved is acutely hypersensitive. Slight differences in words make great differences in sense; for instance, never say "You are lucky to have such a large, close family". At that moment, she is the most unlucky person in the world and it is very hurtful to imply otherwise. Instead, say "I am glad you have such a large, close family"; this conveys you are concerned about her and it comforts her.
DON'T belittle anyone's grief. Give it the compliment of acknowledging its enormity. One colleague wrote to me several weeks after Desmond's death - a long business letter. Tucked right in the middle were two sentences "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. It will make a difference to your life." It was like a slap in the face.
DON'T be trite. I dragged myself to a conference ten days after Desmond's death and kept bumping into a doctor I knew. Each time we met he said "Are you all right?" I felt like shouting "No, I'm not! I can never be ALL right again because I've lost something irreplaceable." Even worse was another friend, who kept saying to me "Never mind!" Much, much more supportive was a friend who made a point of keeping an eye on me, casually keeping between me and people I was not up to talking to. From time to time she would catch my eye and whisper "You're doing fine."
DON'T make promises you do not intend to keep. One neighbour expansively said "If there is anything at all my wife or I could do, you only have to ask." I nervously replied that the garden badly needed some weeding and was scathingly told "I don't mean that!"
DO realise that suddenly having to cater for only one person, and at a time when she is shocked, is very difficult. One of the greatest kindnesses you can offer is to invite her in to share your meal with you. Let her realise it is to be quite private and informal and she can slip away as soon as she wishes.
DO offer to bring in anything needed when you are doing your own shopping. Someone newly bereaved feels tired out and drained and quite unable to face up to standing in queues.
DON'T neglect her later on. Many people wrote to me and said "Do come round for coffee", "We must renew our old friendship", "We will phone and invite you for a drink". They have not done so. It is not easy to force oneself back into social life and one badly needs help. I realise that I am now that awkward party creature 'the uneven number' and, I am told, some wives see widows as a threat.
DO be tactful. I was asked if I had "tried that smart new restaurant yet"; bereaved people do not take themselves out, certainly not lone women. Try not to boast about your own clever, generous husband, or the exciting holiday you are taking.
DON'T be frightened of coming face to face with a newly bereaved person and, if you do so unexpectedly, make eye contact. One of the most hurtful experiences I had was meeting three acquaintances, as I was entering a door through which they were leaving. The panic in their faces and their avoiding eyes as they pretended not to see me and tried to escape, cut me to the quick.
DON'T leave the bereaved person in the awkward position of wondering whether you have heard the news or not. Some people seem so frightened of the subject that they will talk, non-stop, of trivialities, till she finally realises they must know because otherwise they would have asked how he was before this. This leaves her feeling she cannot mention him either and a barrier comes between you. Much better a mumbled "We were so sorry to hear ..."
DO above all, remember that someone who has been bereaved is still a human being with all the needs for friendship, company, outside interests and cheerful amusement that any other human has. She (or he) needs your help in building a new life, even if all you can give is a phone call every few weeks to enquire how she is getting on. Your thoughtfulness will be appreciated and remembered with gratitude.
DO remember that the odds are against couples, however lucky and however devoted, dying together. Statistically, wives are likely to become widows, as they survive their husbands by a ratio of 4 to 1. These facts will not go away however hard we try to ignore them.
DO talk about dying. It is not more, nor less, likely to happen if you do so. Find out what your spouse would like to be done, what would help him, in his grief if you died. Sound out your family. There is nothing disrespectful in making macabre jokes about this.
DO make a Will and keep it up-to-date. Disagreements can break up a family so make your wishes crystal clear; they may say "Silly old Mum" but at least they cannot accuse or blame each other. Give instructions for your funeral or else name who is to decide the arrangements. You do not have to have a religious service but it often seems to fill a need of those left behind, a chance to show respect and to say goodbye. If you wish your ashes scattered somewhere special, specify over a very wide area.
DON'T be an excessive hoarder. We all collect things as we go through life but try not to stockpile unessentials. It can take years to sort everything and extract the items of possible family historical significance.
DO try to share knowledge and information with each other. I first realised my ignorance when I went to the cupboard to get a bottle of wine for the funeral; I had no idea which was for drinking now and which was laid down for future use. I have or had to learn, amongst many other things, to work the motor mower and to cope with income tax; if Desmond had survived me, he would have had to learn to use the washing machine and how to manage the temperamental complications of the boiler and heating systems. When one is at one's lowest ebb it is very difficult to grasp new technicalities. One need not be an expert at each other's specialities but a rough working knowledge is a great help.
DO make certain that the partner who survives you will have access to funds. This seems obvious but is easy to overlook. Day-to-day living expenses continue.
DO be equally sure that both of you know the whereabouts of medical cards, national insurance cards, birth and marriage certificates, pass books and all life insurance and pension policies. These have to be produced soon after a death.
DO take photos of each other. When you live together you often do not think of it. I have no recent photograph of Desmond clear enough to enlarge and I bitterly regret it.
DO live your life fully. If you want to do things and you can, then do them. Don't postpone them or you may never have the chance. Happy memories live on and bring comfort to those you leave behind. Please, enjoy your life with those you love, for their sake.
How does relaxation fit into all this? Well, had I not put into practice every trick I knew, I feel things would have been an awful lot harder. From that first shocking moment I have consciously and deliberately released tension every time it has become apparent. By so doing I have lowered my level of 'arousal' and stopped the build up of anxiety. By being more relaxed I have become less exhausted than I might otherwise have done; I have saved energy. I have remained calm, maintained my regular sleep pattern and avoided the dread depression. Whenever I have felt I needed it, I have practised deep relaxation to restore my body and calm my mind. Above all, I had previously learnt to accept and not to try to fight the inevitable - one of life's greatest lessons. Without this knowledge and these skills I dread to think of the state I might have been in.
This webpage forms part of the Global Ideas Bank (www.globalideasbank.org).
Book Orders: To order any of the other Natural Death Centre or Global Ideas Bank books.
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