The following item is summarised from a 28 page article entitled 'The deceased child in the psychic and social worlds of bereaved parents during the resolution of grief' published in Death Studies (21:147-175, 1997; subs £51; editorial address Robert A. Neimeyer, Dept of Psychology, University of Memphis, Tennessee 38152, USA, e-mail: <neimeyerra@msuvx1.memst.edu>).
Dennis Klass describes how the grief felt by parents who are members of Bereaved Parents (an American breakaway group from the Compassionate Friends) tends to be resolved as a series of transformations of the inner representation of the dead child in the parent's social world. The group focuses on the social sharing of grief, with the dead child becoming a member of the community, one who is valued, remembered, celebrated and loved.
Bereaved Parents' meetings may tackle practical issues, such as how to cope with holiday periods. One bereaved mother made a wreath for the front door with coloured ribbons, but included a black ribbon, saying "it is there, if they want to see it and mention it, they can. It is not me that didn't bring it up".
One bereaved father said that "all that I do now, I do to honour his memory and his life", and added: "We do need to find a positive outlet for all the anger and pain. Find a charity or a cause that has personal meaning; get involved with Bereaved Parents; plant a garden; get into shape; do something that illustrates the positive effect that your child had on you - even if you are the only one to see it."
A Bereaved Parents innovation is their Saturday cemetery tour with members visiting the graves of each other's children. At each grave, the parent concerned prepares something about the child, with pictures, favourite things and taped songs.
"Virtually every member of the group" writes Dennis Klass, "has experienced the lonely sorrow of standing at their child's grave. In the cemetery tour, 'My child is dead and buried' can be transmuted into 'Our children are dead and buried'."
Dennis Klass is at Webster University, 470 East Lockwood, St Louis, MO 63119, USA.
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