This item first appeared in The American Journal of Nursing (March '92).
Dear Dying Person,
This letter isn't from your pastor or a relative, so you'll notice right away I don't say how sorry I am or extend my sympathies. It isn't hardness of heart. We just don't know each other. But as a nurse, I've seen lots of people die, and each death was sad; some were better than others. Expectant couples take classes to prepare for the birth of a child. I think someone should talk to you about preparing for death. You know about those things your family and friends are trying to avoid. So, here goes.
- Get a confessor. Early on, find someone with whom you can 'talk dirty'.
A friend, physician, nurse or family member who will allow you to say words
like 'dead, kick the bucket, croak, tumour, cancer'. All those things that
you and your loved ones are thinking but are too polite to say out loud.
Say them. It won't hurt and you'll feel better later.
- You have as many rights as you did a year ago or ten years ago. You need
not spend the days or weeks or months ahead of you in pain or depression
or anxiety. Don't let someone convince you that you will become addicted
to narcotics or that your depression would lift if only you had a better
spiritual life. You may not have quantity left but you can demand the best
quality. Insist on good pain control. And with the chemical changes of your
disease at work, maybe you could benefit from medicines for depression or
anxiety.
- You're not dead yet. So don't act it any more than you have
to. My friend's son was hospitalised with leukaemia at St Jude's Hospital
for Children. There, as long as they can, the children make their beds and
put the toys back on the shelf. One child made his own bed until the day
before he died. It helps you and those who love you when you do what you
can.
- Have you decided what to wear at the funeral? Honouring your wishes will
comfort your family after your death. You may even take some satisfaction
in knowing that your desire for cremation or burial or whatever will be
fulfilled.
- Have you ever read about or talked with anyone who has had a Near-Death
Experience? Possibly your nurses have heard stories from their patients.
Ask them. Scientific proof and religious backgrounds aside, please think
about this with an open mind. Not enough nice things are said about death
- it gets a bad press. The patients I have talked to really enjoyed it.
Maybe you will like it.
- Everybody dies. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Joggers die. Health
food advocates die, and so do people who have spent their entire life in
a lazy chair eating corn chips. Don't muddy it all up feeling guilty. If
you've been told you're going to die soon, the only word that should bother
you is 'soon'.
- Do you have some deep dark worry that's hard to confess? I don't mean
the real story about Aunt Marion's diamond ring or that little $1,000 dent
in the Ford. I mean the nitty-gritty, the mechanics of death. Maybe your
confessor or your nurses can help you with this. Stuff like: What happens
when you stop breathing or your heart stops? Will you feel it? Are you worried
that you'll look or smell terrible? I worry that my handsome prince will
lean over my bed to kiss the lips of Sleeping Beauty and I'll have dog-breath.
I probably will, but even saying this to someone seems to help.
- Do you want music at your last moments? A special reading, or candles
burning? Who should be there? I'd like to have my husband. My sons too,
although as teenagers they would probably get bored if I didn't die quickly
enough. The ones I really want are my dog and cat, though the cat will only
come if it's convenient for her.
- Consider a 'living' wake. This might help with some unfinished business,
to say some goodbyes or express regrets or thanks, but, more important,
it would celebrate your life. Everyone invited would be asked to bring a
story of days they had fun with you, or that they shared in your life. It
would be a time to celebrate, refreshments could be served, some old movies
shown, pictures, mementoes. Of course, it would be a fun time for others
as well. You may also want to contribute in some way.
I certainly don't know all the answers. These are just suggestions. But among the many patients I have cared for, one question recurs: "Can we talk?" Talk about death is as difficult as talking about sex. But when I have talked 'dirty' with my patients, when they have whispered their deepest fears and concerns, they seemed to gain a measure of peace. Always, I learned more than I taught. I felt honoured to be their listening friend.
Don't hold back - get some help. Then give it your best shot. You probably will only get one chance to die. In the end you'll have to do it alone. Make the byes good.
Readers may also be interested in the Death Plan form, available as part of a set of forms from the Natural Death Centre (6 Blackstock Mews, Blackstock Road, London N4 2BT, tel 0871 288 2098; fax 020 7354 3831; e-mail: rhino@dial.pipex.com) for£5.
This webpage forms part of the Global Ideas Bank (www.globalideasbank.org).
Book Orders: To order any of the other Natural Death Centre or Global Ideas Bank books.
To make a comment or to send an update, please e-mail the Global Ideas
Bank at rhino@dial.pipex.com and
please say which web page address you are commenting on.
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