Goodbye Dad -
The death and green funeral of Frank Butler

From an account written for the Natural Death Centre by Helen Watkins in Suffolk.

Dad had been ill for many years, and there were many times he wanted to die, and some when we thought he would, but somehow his poor old body just wouldn't let him go. However, in the last few months of his life he became so weak and ill that we knew he didn't have long to live. He was in such distress that he wanted it all to be over, and although none of us wanted to lose him we couldn't bear to see him suffer any more. Dad had never been afraid of death, but he never thought that dying would be such a long and difficult process - he just wished every time he went to sleep that he wouldn't wake up again, and when he did and realised that he was going to have to suffer yet another day, he got very depressed. He often begged the doctor to give him a lethal injection to put him out of his misery.

My sister Alison, because she lived close by, was the one who saw Mum and Dad every day. She helped to look after Dad and dealt with most of the arrangements after his death, and the following account is in her words:

"In the last few months Dad needed someone to be with him constantly, and although this was quite a pressure it also became a very precious time. We had time to talk and share memories, thoughts, fears and emotions. We shed many tears together, but also smiled and laughed and shared silent moments.

"Dad's GP was brilliant and made this period of time so much easier for all of us. She visited Dad regularly and gave him and Mum and me all the time we needed to talk. She fully understood Dad's desire to die and although she could not hasten his death as he wanted, she agreed not to use any aggressive treatment such as antibiotics, which would have prolonged his life. It meant a lot to us that she accepted not only Dad's need to be allowed to die, but also our willingness to let him. She did everything she could to make him as comfortable as possible - giving him morphine to ease the pain and enable him to sleep (the only relief from his anguish) and oxygen to help him to breathe. She arranged for nurses to come every day to help make him more comfortable, and she and they became an integral part of making the last few months of Dad's life as bearable as possible. They were all wonderful and made such a difference.

"The one thing which Dad did to try and take control of his own death was to decide not to eat. This did not speed things up as much as he wished and was a very traumatic thing to witness. We all supported Dad in his decision as we didn't want to see him suffer any longer than he had to, but to see him become so emaciated and weak was not easy. It is quite staggering how long the body can survive and the heart keep on beating with no food at all."

Dad had always said he didn't want us making a fuss when he died, and that we were all to be happy and wear our most cheerful clothes. Towards the end he also expressed a wish that the family should arrange everything as far as possible (he even wanted my brother-in-law to make his coffin) and was adamant that he didn't want any type of religious service conducted by someone who didn't know him. He always planned to be cremated as he thought it would be less troublesome (and cheaper). After one false alarm when we and the doctor had been convinced that the end had come we realised that if we wanted to carry out Dad's wishes we would have to think beforehand what we wanted to do and make some enquiries into what was possible. Alison takes over the story again:

"I went to see some local undertakers in order to find out what alternatives were available to the traditional hearse and vicar package. Unfortunately I found them extremely unhelpful. They all gave the impression that they thought I was being awful to be considering these things before Dad had actually died, whereas I felt that this was a better time to be doing it as I knew that just coping with the sadness of losing my dad would be enough when the time came. Apart from suggesting using a humanist speaker instead of a vicar, I was basically told that there was no alternative and they gave me their price lists!

"However, we then came across an article in the Reader's Digest magazine about 'green funerals' and the Natural Death Centre, and we sent off for more information. This we found fascinating and it became invaluable in helping us with our plans. We talked it over with Dad, particularly about using a cardboard coffin and being buried (rather than cremated) in a woodland burial ground, where we could plant a tree and become a part of creating something beautiful. None of us had ever considered the implications of atmospheric pollution from all the coffins burning at the crematoria, and the more environmentally-friendly concept of a 'green burial' was very appealing to Dad.

"I contacted the Greenhaven Woodland Burial Ground near Rugby, and the people there were extremely helpful and sensitive and fully supportive of our desire to plan as much as possible before Dad died. They sent us more information, were happy to answer any queries and encouraged us to go and visit the site and talk to them, which we did. We could arrange to buy the coffin through them, they could put us in touch with local caterers and hire the village hall for us if we needed it, and were happy to be involved as much or as little as we wanted."

Dad died in the early morning of April 7th '97. Once the doctor had been and signed the death certificate arrangements had to be made for Dad's body to be stored somewhere while we arranged the funeral. One of the most useful things we had discovered was that as long as you can find somewhere to store the body there is no need for hurry in making funeral arrangements, and it is possible to take your time and make sure everything is just as you want. However, the local undertakers were again very unhelpful, and were not prepared to collect and keep Dad if we were not going to use the rest of their services. Alison then contacted the local hospital mortuary, who would have been happy to help, but the problem would be in transporting him there, which would be difficult without a coffin or stretcher. However, he was able to suggest another undertaker a few miles away, who was much more helpful and agreed to do as we wished.

Alison then contacted Greenhaven, and she and Mum went down to collect the simple cardboard coffin and make some of the practical arrangements. It is not yet a 'woodland' as the site has only been used for burials for about three years, but it is possible to imagine what it will be like when the trees that have been planted have had a few more years to grow. It is a lovely setting, on a working livestock farm in the English countryside. There was a long list of native trees to choose from, and Mum asked for a silver birch to be planted on Dad's grave. It is also possible to plant native 'wild' flowers and bulbs, although there are plenty of wild flowers in the surrounding hedgerows which will seed themselves there.

All that remained was to organise the funeral. We decided to have it two weeks after Dad's death to give us time as a family to get together from our various corners of Britain to discuss exactly what we wanted to do, and also to allow time to contact people we thought might like to come. On the day, Alison and Phil collected Dad's body from the undertakers - they had put the body in the coffin and as requested left him as he had died, in his odd pyjamas, and not dressed up. They then drove him down to Greenhaven, where everyone met. We gathered round the grave, which had been dug by the people at Greenhaven, and one of them assisted three of the family to carry Dad from the car and lower him into the grave (to ensure that everything went smoothly) to the strains of Finlandia, Dad's favourite piece of music. We were then left alone to continue, with my brother acting as Master of Ceremonies. We had planned to hold the 'service' at the graveside, but the weather was so cold and windy that we decided to retire to the village hall, where we had arranged for refreshments to be served. So after a few words from John, more music was played while first Mum and then the close family placed single red carnations on the coffin. We provided a basket of white chrysanthemums for any one else to lay if they wanted to before leaving. This was a very moving and emotional time, and although initially we were disappointed at not being able to stay at the graveside, on reflection we would have found it much more difficult to say the things we wanted to there because of that emotion.

Once we had all gathered at the village hall we had our chance to pay our tributes to Dad. All Dad's children spoke, as well as two of his sons-in-law, and although we hadn't previously conferred about what we were going to say, we all took very different and very personal approaches, and talked about different aspects of Dad and his life in relation to us. Mum was the last of the family to speak, and she was marvellous, being very positive and emphasising how thrilled Dad would have been at the thought of "turning into a tree". There were many tears shed, both at the graveside and during our 'speeches', but they were tears of deep emotion rather than sorrow, because Dad was well and truly ready to die when he did, and he would have been very annoyed if he had known that we were being miserable. We tried very hard to keep things in the spirit he would have wanted and I think we succeeded. It was a real celebration of the life of a man we all loved dearly.

We had decided that we would like to fill the grave in at least partially ourselves, and so once the others had departed the close family returned to the grave and between us performed this last task for Dad. My brother-in-law had made a small wooden plaque bearing Dad's name which we placed at the head of the grave, and my nephew also planted some snowdrops from his garden there before we all said our goodbyes to Dad and each other. It was a very special day, and we all felt that we had celebrated Dad's life and marked his passing exactly as he would have wanted.

This was all a completely new experience both for us as a family and for those who attended the funeral. The general consensus of opinion was that it was a good experience, and one which gave people a lot to think about. Talking to friends and neighbours afterwards created a good deal of interest, and a number of people asked for further information. Many people seem to be unaware that there are no rules or regulations concerning funeral arrangements, and that it is quite possible to organise things oneself instead of using the (expensive) services of complete strangers, who, however helpful and kind they may be, had nothing to do with the person who has died. We would certainly strongly recommend this way of doing it, both as a means of ensuring that things are done as the dead person would have liked, and also as a way of dealing with one's own loss and grief.

If there is one thing which we would want to emphasise to anyone reading this, it is the importance of overcoming the taboo associated with talking about death, and the importance of making plans, however far into the future they may have to be implemented. A distressing situation can be made so much less traumatic for all concerned if plans have been made and discussed with one's family, friends or whoever may have to deal with funeral arrangements, and it is nice to know that someone's own last wishes are being followed. We know that we did the best we possibly could for Dad, and it is wonderful to know that he is a part of a beautiful and peaceful place where we can visit him, and which will be there for generations to come.