We need to put less emphasis on the final moments and more on the last few weeks of living. If we did, we could see an end to awful traditions such as deathbed reconciliation, where the dying sometimes have to deal with issues that should have been sorted out long ago, in order to assuage the consciences of others. The cult of the deathbed puts incredible pressure on principal carers, doctors and nurses, to predict the final hours, with the result that they can feel incredibly guilty if they get it wrong and someone missed out on being present.
I have decided that when my time comes I will say my goodbyes, but then ask to be left alone. I do not want to have to pretend that death is anything but awful; it is certainly not a spectator sport. I don't want to worry about my final words to friends and family. When it is my turn to die, I know my mind will be on greater things than being polite to people.
Other cultures are more supportive of the bereaved. After a Muslim death, there is a tradition that the mourners don't cook for themselves for 40 days - relatives and neighbours bring food.
This webpage forms part of the Global Ideas Bank (www.globalideasbank.org).
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