While much has been written about consciously being with the dying, very little has been said about the shadow of this work. My guess is that all of the following forms of the shadow appear for all caregivers sometime:
Spiritual inflation We have the impression that we are especially sensitive, open, positive, and spiritual, so automatically we must have a gift for working with the dying. Then as caregivers we can feel we are so intimate with the mystery of death we become even more inflated. Intimacy with death can be intoxicating. We become lost in what we think we know. We become experts in helping the dying.
Laying a spiritual trip As caregivers trying to aid a conscious death, we feel there are certain attitudes and practices that one must use. For example, we might implore a dying person to "Stay positive and hopeful. Transcend your body. Learn to meditate before it's too late. It worked for us so it will work for you."
Expectation of a good death There is a moment-to-moment expectation we have of the dying process that conforms to what we think one should be doing to achieve a 'good' death.
Fear of drowning The dying person won't be breathing much longer. What does this imply about our own mortality? Will we drown in the dark waters of this existential abyss?
Unresolved grief Our unresolved grief compels us to distance ourselves unconsciously from the dying person, forcing him to carry universal illness.
Voyeurism We want to create good spiritual feelings for ourselves, get some kind of 'hit' from being close to the dying experience.
Idiot compassion Since you are dying and we aren't, we will always try to be nice, soothing, and non-confrontational with you. Telling the truth or expressing our own feelings might be too upsetting to you. Idiot compassion is an extreme form of sympathy that doesn't take into account the full range of compassionate action and actually blocks true compassion. Idiot compassion can be manifested in a much more exaggerated and destructive form than the above-mentioned example suggests.
Sentimentality We become lost in our sweet, romanticised, emotional response to the dying process rather than maintaining a clear awareness of what we are feeling. There are many more examples, among them: wanting the person to live; wanting the person to die; hogging the patient for ourselves (especially at the moment of death); loss of healthy boundaries; burnout; seductiveness on the part of the caregiver, transference and counter-transference.
The truly compassionate view is to see the essence of mind that is empty, spacious, pure like the sky, undefiled by death.
How can this view be put into practice when working with the dying? Rather than plunging directly into the 'helping encounter', I pause and in an engaged way invoke "that which I trust the most." We all trust something. (Some have argued with this but I truly believe we do. And if someone trusts nothing, can he or she actually be open and present in the face of death?) Invoke the Sacred, the Nature of Mind, a deity, in whatever form or non-form touches you most directly. Feel the devotion that naturally arises when experiencing this Presence. And then simply rest here, in a deep sense of trust and confidence. The dying person, me, both of our shadows, all of it unfolding within this Presence, within the body of Christ.
This webpage forms part of the Global Ideas Bank (www.globalideasbank.org).
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