Fine Black Lines by Lois Tschetter Hjelmstad (published by Mulberry Hill Press, 1993, ISBN 0 9637139 5 7, 166 pages). Reviewed by Nicholas Albery.
Fine Black Lines is a thoughtful and inspiring book, self-published by Lois Tschetter Hjelmstad and a worthy winner of the Colorado Independent Publishers Award. The poetry in the book is first class. The journal reflections on facing cancer, fear and loneliness are moving and profound. The book, which tells the story of Lois Hjelmstad's diagnosis of breast cancer, of her Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, double mastectomy and other ordeals, would make a very appropriate present for any family touched by cancer, despite its lack of a completely 'happy ending'. The author's belief that it is possible to find some joy in almost every human experience shines through in every page.
I can only be surprised that this book has not been snapped up by a British publisher. In the meantime, British readers can obtain the book quite simply by sending their credit card details to the address below. Here, to entice you to do so, are some extracts that enlightened or moved me.
When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, all I could think of was that I had known at least twelve women who had died of breast cancer, and I could think of only two who had survived. Since then, I have met many survivors and now know that when breast cancer is detected and treated early, the chances of five-year survival are 80% or better.
Many years ago, while waiting in a doctor's office, I saw an article in Reader's Digest about making a commitment to keeping sex alive in marriage. It grabbed my interest, so I brought it home, and Les and I discussed it at length. We had always had a lively and passionate physical relationship, so it almost seemed ridiculous to make such a promise, but we did.
The promise has served us well over the years. We made our dates and faithfully kept them, working around Les's night shift for 26 years: when there were teenagers in the house, when time pressures overwhelmed us, when back surgery and a broken pelvis required some ingenuity.
The promise serves us well now - especially now. There are days when it seems almost hopeless to even try to keep sex alive in our marriage. The obstacles seem almost impossible to overcome - the lack of libido, the drenching hot flashes, the lingering surgical pain, and the feeling of ugliness that will not go away, no matter how much Les reassures me that I am beautiful.
But by honouring our commitment, we still share tenderness, love, joy, and yes, ecstasy, especially ecstasy.
It is a gift-
this reminder of mortality
this thing that slows me down
this reflective summer
I know things about myself
I could not otherwise have known-
pain can be endured
uncertainty can be tolerated
loss can be processed
I know there is a well-spring of
strength
courage
joy within me
I know that time is not forever
There is
an urgency
a poignancy
a preciousness to life
I know that I do not fear
suffering or death
as much any more
It is a menace
It is a sorrow
It is a loss of innocence
it is a gift
it is difficult when one is drowning to wave to the people on shore one wants to be friendly, of course, But perhaps it is more important to keep swimming
some things cannot be fixed
sometimes we simply
have to reinvent
our lives
... Shall I say
Keep up your courage
(you who have been so courageous)?
Keep up your strength
(you who have been so strong)?
But we know that courage sometimes falters
And strength is not always ours to grasp
What can I say to you, my friend?
Perhaps I shall say nothing-
I'll press you to my wounded breast
hold you ever in my thoughts
and hope you know how much I love you...
Someday there will be A tunnel of Light I will find it and Walk toward it At the very least I may find cessation I hope I may find joy I am willing to find what is
People often charge cancer (and other) patients to "think positively". Meaning well, some even give us books that become oppressive with hints that we are responsible for becoming ill and for getting well again.
"Push away that negative thought!"
"You must think positively."
I have had several friends who heard and read similar things and who worked very hard to maintain an optimistic attitude in the face of some very discouraging facts. Eventually they all died - each having to deal with more than a destroyed body. I admired their courage, but felt very sad that they bore this additional burden.
Sometimes when I tried to break through the barrier, to get them to talk about what they were really thinking and feeling, they seemed afraid to even mention the possibility of not getting well, as though that would be a jinx.
Did they think they were causing their illness? Did they blame themselves for not thinking positively enough?
I believe there is a mind-body connection. Our attitudes certainly affect the quality of our lives. I very much believe in living in a positive way. My game plan has been to carry on my life, continue as much of my teaching and writing as possible, enjoy every moment I can.
But I also believe in reality. And regardless of what the best approach might be for others, I have found that facing limitations, accepting them, and working around them has helped me to cope.
It works out better some days than others.
I am willing to spend a day teaching children But I am not willing to track investments. It was one thing when I had All the time in the world. It is another thing now. I am willing to cook a tasty meal But I am not willing to be served in a restaurant. It was one thing when I had All the patience in the world. It is another thing now. I am willing to listen to another's pain But I am not willing to chit-chat over lunch. It was one thing when Any subject interested me. It is another thing now. I am willing to walk two miles in the woods But I am not willing to hunt for bargains. It was one thing when I had All the strength in the world. It is another thing now. I am grateful to discover the difference Between things that matter to me - And things that do not.
Breast cancer is hard on the men in our lives. They must deal not only with the fear of losing us, but also with the tedium and trauma of treatments and our shifting moods as we confront our mortality. We often pull away from them because we cannot bear the possibility of rejection.
Sometimes conflicts arise from different ways of coping. One husband shared with Les his despair that when he expressed a desire to make love, his wife retorted, "I'm thinking about death - and you're thinking about sex?" She didn't understand his need for intimacy, and he didn't understand her fear of mortality.
I realized I have changed. Now I tell my music students (and myself) that the walls will not cave in if we mis-play a few notes - the important thing is to create beauty and joy, to give it our best and to have fun while we are doing it.
Perhaps it is only when we truly understand that our lives will not be perfect that we have the freedom to venture into the rose garden, without worrying about scratches from the thorns.
For me, a happy ending is the knowledge that, even though the flame may flicker, my inner candle of joy burns brightly.
I have found an immense awareness, an incredible joy in treasuring each moment - and a profound gratitude that greets each day as if it were the First Morning.
'Fine Black Lines' is available from bookshops at $14-95. To order direct from the UK, phone (or send your credit card number - Mastercard or Visa - and expiry date) to: Mulberry Hill Press, Box 425 B, Englewood, CO 80151, USA (tel 001 800 294 4714).
This webpage forms part of the Global Ideas Bank (www.globalideasbank.org).
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