Adapted from a letter to the Natural Death Centre.
In 1984 my sister Lynn was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She was operated on, had chemotherapy treatment and apparently recovered. Five years later she had cancer again, and once again was treated, apparently successfully. However, the cancer eventually returned, and in December 1994 we were told that she had only weeks to live. I found the hardest thing was accepting that she was going to die. Once I had accepted it, I found that I could cope with the process of her dying.
We lived in towns 20 miles apart, so I was able to visit her frequently, and in the last two or three weeks, I visited her daily. I found that the more I visited her, the more I came to terms with her dying, felt able to have the conversations that I needed, and, paradoxically, felt less anxious and miserable about the situation. Lynn wanted to be at home as much as possible, where she was cared for by Dave, her husband, her three adult daughters, two of whom moved in, and nurses provided by the Health Authority, such as district nurses and palliative care nurses. She was in some discomfort, but in no actual pain, which was controlled by drugs.
She spent a fortnight in a hospice after Christmas, but then said that she wanted to stay at home. Her health was deteriorating all the while, she was unable to keep food down, and eventually stopped eating altogether. A few days before she died, she said to me, I don't think it will be long now, and I hope it's not. She was tired of the discomfort and the weakness, and her spiritual beliefs enabled her to regard death as the last great adventure.
Lynn died peacefully at home on February 11th '95, with her family around her. My husband, Chris, and I arrived soon afterwards, as did my son Ben. We all sat on her bed with her body, talking quietly to each other and weeping a little. The district nurse telephoned the doctor, who arrived fairly soon to certify the death. Lynn had already said that she wanted a do-it-yourself funeral and green burial, and some arrangements had been made.
We told the nurse that we didn't want a funeral director, but she telephoned the Co-op on our behalf, and said that if at any point we couldn't cope, the Co-op was prepared to move in and take over. Although we knew in general what we wanted, I for one found some of the practicalities quite daunting.
We wanted to keep Lynn's body at home, and the district nurse told us that we could only do that if she was embalmed because the process of decay would start. We thought that embalming would prevent her being biodegradable, so reluctantly we agreed that her body should go to the mortuary, so that it could be refrigerated and remain in a good state for anyone to visit before the funeral. Lynn's husband, Dave, went to the municipal cemetery, where there is a woodland burial ground, and a burial plot had already been arranged. He returned with a cardboard coffin, and we proceeded to prepare Lynn's body.
The district nurse had already removed the catheter and syringe driver, which had been supplying Lynn with an anti-nausea drug as well as a painkiller. We were aware shortly after her death that her body was stiffening, and we found it rather disconcerting as we had thought that it would take several hours. Lynn's daughters and Dave washed her body, cut her nails, brushed her hair and dressed her in a beautiful white cotton nightie which my mother had bought for her. Lynn's youngest daughter said, "She looks so beautiful, just like an angel", and indeed she did. We lined the coffin with a blue blanket, and put in a little lavender pillow that Lynn had used. We lifted her body into the coffin on the sheet she had been lying on. We had some difficulty getting the coffin down the stairs, and left the lid off so that we could be sure that her body was securely in place. When the coffin was in the hall we stopped dealing with the practicalities, and opened a bottle of champagne. We toasted Lynn, and bade her farewell. The three men of the family put the lid on the coffin, carried it out to their estate car, and drove it up to the cemetery mortuary to await the funeral.
Lynn and Dave had planned the funeral in detail. Lynn wanted it to be as personal as possible, with responsibilities carried out by the family rather than a funeral director. The only instance in which we deviated from her wishes was in using a hearse rather than the family estate car to take the coffin to the chapel from the mortuary, and then on to the burial ground. The municipal cemetery in Brighton, where Lynn was buried, has facilities for non-Christian ceremonies in the chapel, and Dave was encouraged to take advantage of this. The funeral was at 2pm, and we arrived at Dave's house at midday. We found a huge gathering with friends, family, alcohol already being consumed, and masses of flowers. We arrived at the chapel in good time. It was packed, there must have been a hundred people there. Lynn had chosen the music she wanted, and it was played while her coffin was carried in by Dave, Lynn's son-in-law, my brother and my husband.
Dave addressed us, and spoke of Lynn's life, and death, and what she had wanted at her funeral. He asked anyone who would like to, to stand up and speak about Lynn. Several members of the family, including myself and my brother and sister, did so. Friends from over the years, some of whom I did not even know, also spoke. It was an extremely moving ceremony, and each person who spoke clearly did so from the heart. Lynn was a wonderful person, and well-loved, and at her funeral we all came to appreciate her a little more. Dave then read a piece from the Bhagavadgita which he said he and Lynn had read together when they were first told that she had not long to live, and which had comforted them.
After the ceremony, the coffin was carried out to the hearse, and driven to the grave. Two undertakers assisted in lowering the coffin into the grave. My brother spoke words from the book of Common Prayer, including "ashes to ashes, dust to dust". He and Dave and the grave-digger remained at the grave to fill it in, while the rest of us returned to the house. Delicious food and plenty of wine was provided, and rather extraordinarily we had a party which went on for several hours. Several friends have subsequently told me that Lynn's funeral was the best funeral they had ever attended.
It is a sad and terrible thing to lose a sister, but being close to everything that is going on, assisting with the preparation of the body and taking part in a true farewell at the funeral, is a very healing process.
Judith Furner, 11 St Helena Court, Eastbourne BN21 2LY.
Normally it is in fact possible to keep the body at home, without embalming, at least for a few days. It may be advisable to turn off the heating in the room, open the window, and even, if necessary, use bags of ice or dry ice. The Natural Death Centre would like to be able to tell people where they can buy or rent a refrigeration plate such as that put under the body at home in French villages, should any reader know - or be able to manufacture and market these.
The Natural Death Centre, 6 Blackstock Mews, Blackstock Road, London N4 2BT (tel 0871 288 2098; fax 020 7354 3831; e-mail rhino@dial.pipex.com; web: www.naturaldeath.org.uk).
This webpage forms part of the Global Ideas Bank (www.globalideasbank.org).
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