The importance of dying at home

Tim Watson

Adapted from a letter to The Natural Death Centre.

I wanted to let you know how much The Natural Death Handbook helped me to deal with the recent death of my father. I had not realised before how important it is for someone to die at home and I was able to get heaven and earth moved in order to have Dad moved out of hospital where he was miserable, and back into his own bed. There he was happy again and died peacefully the next morning.

Most extraordinary of all, I found that I was actually able to take pleasure in helping Dad to die with dignity and even a little humour. I brought him a blossom to hold from his favourite chestnut tree in our garden, I was prepared for all of the practical aspects of caring for a dying person, I felt no anxiety once I realised that Dad's death was imminent, just the need to make him as comfortable and cheerful as possible. All of these things were the result of reading your book.

Laying out Dad's body was another experience my wife and I will always treasure. I hadn't even known what the term really meant, let alone that the family could take part. We helped as the nurse gently washed him, talking to him softly as she worked, telling him what she was doing as if he were still with us. It really is the last thing you can do for a person and it is a most gratifying experience.

You may like to know that Vic Fearn Ltd, the coffin makers you list in the East Midlands section of your guide, are great! Dave Craddock is in charge there and he and his staff could not have been more helpful. After my mother's death just over a year ago, we had had to choose a coffin from a limited selection of photos in the undertaker's catalogue. They were all pretty vulgar and came with those dreadful gold plastic handles and 'furniture' - we ended up choosing the least worst one! As the cremation was to be in Nottingham, we called into Vic Fearn. They can build you virtually anything in a couple of days, but also have in stock a number of unusual coffins designed by local artists. There are painted ones, a pyramid, a finned model, one made from recycled pallet timber, 'green' coffins made from reconstituted wood, together with simple, but elegant conventional coffins. We were surprised at the low cost.

Anyone thinking of providing their own coffin should tell their funeral director at the outset. Many firms hide the cost of their professional services in the price of the coffin so it is important to get a separate quote for those services. Interestingly, our undertaker, a large Nottingham firm, could not remember ever having had a client provide their own coffin!

One thing that I have learned from the two funerals that I have now helped to organise concerns the Address part of the service. Unless the person attended church at least reasonably regularly, it is unlikely that the vicar or priest will know anything about them. What normally seems to happen is that the minister visits the house and makes notes, while the family reels off the person's biography and 'good points'. I have found that the resulting address predictably lacks warmth and depth. I'm sure that it would be far better if the address were read by a family member or close friend.