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The four tasks for living and dying

William Worden has described 'the four tasks of mourning' facing a bereaved person as being:

1. To accept the reality of the loss.

2. To experience the pain of grief.

3. To adjust to the new situation (life without the deceased).

4. To withdraw emotional energy from the loss and to put it into a new relationship or situation.

Using the same basic approach and applying it to the person with a life-threatening illness, Christine Longaker has proposed four tasks for those who are living and dying: See Facing death & finding hope, by Christine Longaker, published by Century (1997, ISBN 0 71 267757 7). The following text was devised by Josefine Speyer as part of the Befriending Network training programme and is based on Christine Longaker's work

1. The need to find meaning in life

Reviewing one's life:

  • What was this life all about?

  • What did I learn in my life?

  • What did I do with it?

    'What did I give to others and what did I receive from others?'

  • What did I give to others and what did I receive from others?

  • Did I live according to my beliefs and priorities?

  • What are my priorities now?

    2. The need to heal relationships, to deal with unfinished business to make a deep and heartfelt connection

  • Acknowledging difficulties, joy, love, resentment, anger, good and bad - aiming for forgiveness.

  • Forgiveness and compassion towards self and others.

  • Working through and sharing grief, reaching and sharing joy.

  • Opening up to the present. Living in the moment.

  • Settling practical affairs, making a Will, etc.

    3. The need to find meaning in suffering and the need to transcend the unavoidable suffering of dying

    Accepting that some of the pain we experience can sometimes be of psychological origin:

  • What are you learning from this situation you are in now?

  • Can you see anything positive in this?

  • Has this crisis become an opportunity for you?

  • Have you, through this experience, been able to make a deeper connection to life and with others?

  • Do you have a means to alleviate anxiety?

  • Do you use meditation or prayer or relaxation exercises or inspirational readings or inspirational music to help you in this process of accepting and dealing with present circumstances and to transcend them, to develop or deepen what some might call a more spiritual outlook?

    4. The need to understand what death is and to prepare for it in the best way possible

  • What do you believe death is?

  • What do you believe happens at death?

  • Do you have a spiritual or religious belief and what is it?

  • How can I or others help and support you in this?

    'Prepare for death and let go'

    Prepare for death and let go. Make a Living Will, prepare a Death Plan and a Funeral Plan.

  • Psychotherapist Josefine Speyer, a founder and a former director of the Befriending Network, offers a 30-hour training course entitled 'Accepting Death and Living Fully' (or individual workshops) for professionals - doctors, nurses, social workers, therapists and palliative care workers; with similar services for the general public.

    Josefine Speyer, Co-Director, Natural Death Centre, 6 Blackstock Mews, Blackstock Road, London N4 2BT, UK (personal contact details: tel 020 7359 8391; fax 020 7354 3831; e-mail: ndc@alberyfoundation.org; Centre website: www.naturaldeath.org.uk).

  • The Befriending Network provides trained volunteers to support people with a life-threatening illness at home. Head office. The Befriending Network, Claremont, 24 - 27 White Lion Street, London N1 9PD (tel 020 7689 2443; fax 020 7689 2421; e-mail: info@befriending.net; web: www.befriending.net).

    The Befriending Network seeks volunteer Befrienders prepared to give up two to three hours of their time each week, with a minimum commitment of one year, to visit the homes of those who have a life-threatening illness. This work might suit trainee counsellors amongst others. The training itself takes six or seven evenings of three hours each and one full day session. Thereafter there are occasional further training sessions and regular support and supervision groups.

    The Befriending Network is currently active in West London, North London and Oxfordshire, plus providing a referral service to similar organisations throughout the UK.

  • The set of forms referred to in the final sentence is available for a minimum £1 donation from the Natural Death Centre at the same address as the Befriending Network.

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